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About Traditional Art / Hobbyist Member AllysonFemale/United States Group :iconour-dreams-come-true: Our-Dreams-Come-True
 
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Let's be honest. I know I don't get a lot of traffic, despite my best efforts. And, I'm sure it will be even lower since I had pretty much abandoned the site for something like 6 months. I love to create. Sometimes I think I've just made the most beautiful painting on the planet. But, no one looks at it. Now, I know the truth is that I'm not really that great of an artist. Then again, I buy lots of art books that feature artists who also aren't that great. I'm not going to whore my art, though, so I guess I'll have to content myself with my friends' compliments on Facebook. But that's not what I really want to talk about today...

I left not just DeviantArt but art as a whole. I got myself messed up on the inside. Broken.

I started seeing this guy. I loved him. I know he didn't feel the same way about me, and that, my friends, is the most awful feeling in the world. It tore me up inside even at the same time that I thought I was happy. It ended almost six months ago, and still all I feel is pain. There's a huge part of me--most of me, in fact--that feels like I'm unlovable, like I'm not good enough for anyone's attention. I've never been the kind of girl that guys pay attention to. I'm not pretty, I'm not outgoing, I'm not shapely, I'm not even all that fun, to be honest. I wake up every morning knowing that God and the universe are telling me that I'm one of those people destined to be alone forever. I'd do almost anything for someone who would tell me I'm pretty. Just once.

And for a minute, I thought I'd found someone like that again. Then, he seemed to give up on me. He lives 2 hours away. I think I unconsciously set myself up for failure. I'm still seeing him... don't get me wrong, I like him. A lot. But, I grasp at straws because I don't think I deserve more. I want it. But, I am thoroughly unconvinced that I can have it.

Now, I'm not fishing for compliments here. Oh, I won't deny that my self esteem gets a gigantic boost (it's not hard to do when it's usually set at 1) when I do get them. What I really want is to be seen. To feel like I matter as a person. Like there's someone who cares that I exist.

I'm here.
  • Mood: Miserable

deviantID

SalatrixParvissima
Allyson
Artist | Hobbyist | Traditional Art
United States
Likes: art (of course), ancient history, the Romans, Latin literature, English literature, ancient environmental history and resource management, oysters in Roman Britain, fantasy, science fiction, science fact, old movies, crappy scifi original movies, crappy movies about ancient history that I can complain about, being a feminist, God, cooking, being crabby, and wasting time in general.

Dislikes: tomatoes, bad grammar, people who say "be open minded" but mean "think the way I think," people who don't think that someone can be religious/spiritual and still be able to think for herself, the apparent trend to say that one's dislike is "ignorant people," people who try to make me feel bad for eating meat, Plato, most dogs, misogynists, misandrists, most reality tv, my tendency to argue the other point even if I agree with the other person, stainless steel.
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:icondeitycolor:
DeityColor Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
thank youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu :) ^___^
Reply
:icongtsmover:
gtsmover Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you for honoring my brother by allowing his work to be a part of your favorites gallery. Please accept my appreciation. CHEERS!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
Reply
:iconsongofarianrhod:
SongofArianrhod Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2012   General Artist
Thank you for the fav! Happy holidays!
Reply
:iconsophiaazhou:
sophiaazhou Featured By Owner Dec 13, 2012
thank you so much for adding Playing Cards : Nine of Spades to your :+favlove:
I truly appreciate it. :rose:
Reply
:iconrollwurst:
Rollwurst Featured By Owner Dec 8, 2012  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
Thank you for the fav :hug:
Reply
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