Let's be honest. I know I don't get a lot of traffic, despite my best efforts. And, I'm sure it will be even lower since I had pretty much abandoned the site for something like 6 months. I love to create. Sometimes I think I've just made the most beautiful painting on the planet. But, no one looks at it. Now, I know the truth is that I'm not really that great of an artist. Then again, I buy lots of art books that feature artists who also aren't that great. I'm not going to whore my art, though, so I guess I'll have to content myself with my friends' compliments on Facebook. But that's not what I really want to talk about today...
I left not just DeviantArt but art as a whole. I got myself messed up on the inside. Broken.
I started seeing this guy. I loved him. I know he didn't feel the same way about me, and that, my friends, is the most awful feeling in the world. It tore me up inside even at the same time that I thought I was happy. It ended almost six months ago, and still all I feel is pain. There's a huge part of me--most of me, in fact--that feels like I'm unlovable, like I'm not good enough for anyone's attention. I've never been the kind of girl that guys pay attention to. I'm not pretty, I'm not outgoing, I'm not shapely, I'm not even all that fun, to be honest. I wake up every morning knowing that God and the universe are telling me that I'm one of those people destined to be alone forever. I'd do almost anything for someone who would tell me I'm pretty. Just once.
And for a minute, I thought I'd found someone like that again. Then, he seemed to give up on me. He lives 2 hours away. I think I unconsciously set myself up for failure. I'm still seeing him... don't get me wrong, I like him. A lot. But, I grasp at straws because I don't think I deserve more. I want it. But, I am thoroughly unconvinced that I can have it.
Now, I'm not fishing for compliments here. Oh, I won't deny that my self esteem gets a gigantic boost (it's not hard to do when it's usually set at 1) when I do get them. What I really want is to be seen. To feel like I matter as a person. Like there's someone who cares that I exist.